Healthy relationships offer support, comfort, and improve our overall health (physically, emotionally, and mentally.) They come in all shapes and sizes, from family, to friendship, to romantic partners. Relationships also exist online, with people we know or have yet to meet in person.
Unhealthy relationships can be damaging, and also exist in person or online. It isn't always easy to recognize an unhealthy relationship. We may even mistake unhealthy behaviours as a sign of love from a friend or partner.
Monitoring all of our kids' online interactions is almost impossible, which is why it is important for adults to set the tone for healthy relationships with their kids. Social media and technology play an important role in fostering and nurturing healthy relationships. Maintaining an open line of communication with our kids about their online behaviours, what constitutes a healthy relationship, and the signs of unhealthy relationships can help youth become aware of inappropriate and unhealthy behaviour by their friends and their partners.
Empowering youth to understand Fact vs. Fiction
Often, relationships during youth are influenced by viewing the relationships of others, particularly on social media, in mainstream media, in movies, music, and in video games. The portrayal of gender and gender stereotypes also impact our relationships and are represented in media. For many teens, relationships are shaped through the use of technology and the picture-perfect image they see of the relationships of others, even if that image is not real.
Deciphering fact from fiction, reality versus scripted content may not always be easy given this age of information and its instant accessibility. It is important to talk with youth in their terms and in a safe and non-judgmental way about their relationships, how relationships are portrayed, what is real and what isn't, and to encourage youth to think critically when consuming content and using social media. Empowering youth to question what they see, whether it is real or fabricated, will help in how they see themselves and others, and help them recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship.
Talking with youth about relationships
ProtectKidsOnline has come up with the following tips for adults to use when talking with their kids about healthy relationships, which can also be applied to online relationships.
- Discuss the qualities of a healthy relationship (kind, compassionate, loving, respectful, boundaried) compared to unhealthy relationships (guilt tripping, manipulation, or possession). By understanding the differences, youth will be able to better see the signs of controlling behaviour.
- Talk with your kids about how to get out of an uncomfortable situation, using both direct and indirect approaches. Let them know that if they need help with a situation, they can reach out to you or another trusted adult.
- Use examples. Stories in the media (TV, movies, music, the news) can be used as tools help open up conversations about how they perceive relationships, and empower your teen to use critical thinking in their own relationships.
- Discuss sexting, sending photos and videos, and sexual conversations online. A photo, once sent, is out of the sender's control. The photo can be shared, shown to others, or used to coerce the other person into other sexual activity.
- Talk about setting and respecting boundaries while online and using technology. Discuss the importance of not sharing photos or videos without the other person's consent, and to respect what others have shared even after a relationship has ended.
- Discuss how to end a relationship, something that is never easy to do. Explain that it is important to be honest and thoughtful, and to the point, when ending a relationship, and not to drag it out.
- Be there for them. Keep the lines of communication open. Let them know they can turn to you if they have questions or need help, and let them know that they can come to you without getting into trouble or fear of being judged.
What can I do if my teen is in an unhealthy relationship?
Learning that someone you care about may be in an unhealthy relationship can be difficult. There are things you can do to help! The first step is communication. The Canadian Women's Foundation, with Media Smarts, has developed a tip sheet about recognizing unhealthy online relationships, which includes tips on what to do if your teen is in an unhealthy relationship.
Here are their tips:
- Be supportive. Offer support in a non-judgmental way. Listen, don't blame, and let them know the abuse is not their fault.
- Be open about your concerns. Make sure you let them know you are on their side.
- Look at the options. Pushing them into leaving the relationship may not help. Encourage them to spend time with others as a way of distancing themselves from the relationship. Also, talk with your kid's friends to see if they have the same concerns.
- Talk with them about setting boundaries and good communication. Encourage them not to post or reply in anger, and to walk away from situation until they have cooled down.
- Seek out help. Your teen may need outside help, and that's OK. Encourage them to talk to a school counsellor, a friend, or calling a help line such www.kidshelpphone.ca (1-800-668-6868) can help. They may feel more comfortable talking with someone else about the problem. Let them know you are there for them and support them, and when and if they are ready to talk to you that you will listen.
Consent and age of consent
Talking about consent is very important when discussing healthy relationships with youth. The Premier's Action Committee on Family Violence Youth Engagement Working Group, through the Department of Education and Lifelong Learning, has developed the Microphone Project, an educational resource that is currently being used in PEI schools. Community Legal Information also has a resource on consent. It is important that youth and adults talk about consent, legal ages of consent, and the laws around consent.